Halloween is Officially Lame

Let me share the five reasons Halloween is now lame:

1. Trunk or treat is a travesty. Canvasing the neighborhood on Halloween was supposed to be a little scary: going to unknown homes in the dark and knocking on the door… taking candy from a stranger… inviting a “trick” instead of a treat. Trunk or treat has all the thrills of pushing a shopping cart through a parking lot. Honestly, just walk down the isle of the grocery store and buy the candy you were going to hand out and just keep it for yourself. Lame.
2. The costumes. Rarely do people don something monstrous or scary. Just you advertising the fact you watched that popular streaming series just like everyone else! Last year Squid Games, this year Dahmer. Or maybe you dressed like Hitler because you’re either clueless, racist, or both. Lame.
3. Halloween parties. They’re just an excuse to party without having to come up with one. I’m sure you’d have been just as happy to get blasted on October 12th (Clergy Appreciation Day) had someone thought to invite you. Which they didn’t.
4. The music (mostly) sucks. With the obvious exception of Oingo Boingo’s Dead Man Party and Thriller, the rest of it is pretty much trash. Ghostbusters, Monster Mash, Time Warp, Somebody’s Watching Me. On any other day of the year, you’d turn that song off the moment it started playing. Let’s not do the Time Warp again.
5. Harvest Festival replacements. If you’re worried dressing your child as a witch is as satanic as playing Dungeons and Dragons in the 80s, you may have done the only thing arguably worse than a trunk or treat—sent your child to a Harvest Festival. Perhaps it’s the payoff for the spring Maypole dance (just don’t Google what the maypole really represents). Super lame.

If you had fun on Halloween, good for you. Perhaps as equally thrilling is the fact you had fun the Tuesday before last. Let’s just not pretend it’s because of Halloween, but in spite of it.